Waiting

Well the time has come to wait, been waiting alone a week so far with another one to come before we find anything out. We try to occupy our minds but we always say I wonder, I hope... bloated is all I have physically felt for a little more than a week. Jeesh! Between the retrieval of the eggs to the transfer of the embryos I've never been so bloated in my life time. Never!! I am finally starting to feel okay again. I was sleepy and bloated and bored - being on bed rest for two days - and now being restricted as to what I can do. I finally went to the grocery store today just for five items but boy it felt good to just walk around. Ha! Hubby has ben taking good car of me, laundry, cooking dinners, making sure I am not doing anything besides sitting, he even calls/texts to check on me while at work. I do love him so much, this entire experience while it did try our relationship it really has kept us strong.

I wish I had more to report but I do not.

The process itself is not scary but it is confusing, there are so many medications each with their own strict guidelines. each guideline has its own set of rules which apply on some days and on other are different. The doctors appointments, the invasive procedures, the unsureness, the lack of positive guarantees.... it is not scary but it sure is something that you need to be willing to accept or you will go into complete overload and probably just break down. So many questions. Prying into your every behavior, and then you begin to question yourself. For sure if you are TTC and you are getting into the beginning of the whole fertility treatments be ready, be open and don't over research yourself into a brain tizzy! Ask your doctor, and research your doctor for sure.

We went right into IVF with ICSI skipped all the other possible treatments as they would not have helped us given our circumstances and our doctors recommendations. I can tell you all out there in internet land questioning this, a year ago I was frightened knowing nothing about any of this, I feel seasoned. I feel blessed and hopeful.

Day Four/Mini Daycation Planned

So it is now day four of our in-cycle IVF treatments. Gonal-f each night and yesterday and tonight Menopur. Hubby has been amazing with these injections. I am such a needle wimp, so giving them to myself is just not possible. I compare it to trying to wax your own bikini, you put the wax on no problem, rub the fabric to cool the wax but when the time comes to rip the fabric off, you cannot do it! I would be there attempting to stab myself with the needle for an hour before I did it and I would probably fail. I will say that the Menopur burned going in, nothing too crazy but I did not expect to feel the liquid going in. Hormones are not going crazy! This is very exciting because I was afraid I would end up all psycho bitch. So don't have time or the patience to deal with that so I hope that none of the other medications we have lined up for this affect my hormones. I am back to being a in cushion, but this time I don't mind it. The nurses have not bruised me taking blood ((yet)). But this time it is like for something instead of just the prep work, so that makes me excited.

I feel like I am so alone sometimes with this but then I slap myself and know that I am not. Besides my amazing Hubby, my family and close friends there are so many other women and men going through fertility treatments to have the family they have always wanted. I am brought down from my for lack of a better term - pity party - when I see the waiting room filled with both men and women this past Saturday at my blood/ultrasound appointment. So many others are TTC, and they aren't alone.


So Hubby and I are due for a little fun-daycation! So we are planning on going into the City this Sunday ((Father's Day)) and being a little touristy. Duck boats, walking the public gardens and just enjoying all that the city has to offer on foot following up with dinner in the North End. I hope it is super romantic and amazing. We need it. I need it.

Oh My Goodness

Starting the IVF injections tomorrow evening!! I feel like today is the greatest day -- EVER . Just feel great overall and it is barely afternoon! What a journey we are taking, so thankful, so blessed. All you need is faith, trust & a little pixie dust!!

<3

Where Does the Time Go

I guess I will play catch up here. I don't know where my time has gone these past few weeks. I feel like the days are gone before I even know they have begun. I wake up with a mission, to try not to think about the when the IVF process is going to start. I go to bed with the same mission, try to sleep and not wonder all night. Jeesh! No wonder the time is going by so quickly. Well Saturday is supposed to be a day of information hunting so hopefully this time next week I will have something besides the waiting game to begin the process to wonder and obsess over.

Since my giant meltdown, things have been good. I've stopped the birth control pill that may have been the culprit but the June 4th appointment was bumped to June 11th, so I am still waiting. I have been loving my Zumba nights, I wish I had them more then twice a week but I don't. Zumba is such a refreshing, uplifting, self loving experience. I sure as heck don't look all that pretty trying to cha-cha or samba but I sure do feel amazing sweating my butt of trying to. I am looking foreword to tonights Zumba session. I may follow it up with a roast beef sandwich from the local roast beef joint, such a fatty dinner option at 9pm but the Hubby works so darn late on Thursdays I don't dare attempt to cook at that hour.

I am getting excited for some little mini day trips the Hubby and I are planning. I will post about them soon!

Lil' Ranting

I giant box arrived this morning full of more syringes then I have ever seen, needle tips, vials of this, pills of that... yikes!! This is really about to happen - we are going to start the IVF process. We, I, We, I... why do I feel so alone in most of this. Why doesn't he have to inject himself, and swallow 8-12 pills a day, and be cranky, moody, way too emotional for his own good.

June 4th is the next appointment - I don't know when we begin the injection process, soon.

Messing With the Hormones

Hormones... who invented them?  I'd really like to know. Especially the ones that are being all messed around with by some of the medications I've been taken for roughly a month.  A birth control pill, which  I have never taken before in my life and a pill to regulate prolactin levels.  I don't know if they are messing with me or if they are just elevating my emotions or what but I have done all but go skinny dipping in a pool of mud.  

I've been fed up with our living situation for almost a year.  In addition to being out of work on and off for a year there is just a bunch of things I'd love to change.  But the one thing I cannot get the Hubby to compromise on changing is our living situation.  And just recently I've lost my mind about it.  Just lost it.  Is it the hormones that have me acting like a raving lunatic about it or is it just that I have really literally reached my last wits about it.  After talking with my Aunt who I confide in quite often she immediately said it was the hormones before I ever thought it.  6-days into the two medications, Hubby and I had it out about our living situation, and basically haven't spoken too much since.  With the exception of blow outs.  So when I talk to the doctor next, I am asking her opinion because I can't have our relationship as a constant fighting mess, especially since we never fight, never ever!! 

June 4th is the blood/ultrasound appointment which should help give us a date to do the egg retrieval.  But we are still waiting on the arrival of the injections which we I need to begin on CD1.  I keep telling myself I have to be happy, stress free and love life because those things will help us in the long run.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. 

Happiness in Loss

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets their wings. That is how the saying goes I do believe. As well as something about when one life leaves this Earth another is allowed to enter? I am not sure how much of any of that I do believe - nor how much the Hubby believes. Yet on this past Thursday I lost my GreatiePa and while we sat as mass yesterday for his funeral the Hubby saw a baby. His exact word were "babe look at the ultrasound up there in the second light". I was so confused and after his explanation I still did not see it, yet my Mother saw something and also pointed it out, so the two of them kept discussing the movements of this image in the smoke-like particles in the light. Was this a sign or sorts. or two extremely hopeful imaginations running wild? Why couldn't I allow my imagination to see it, am I shut off? I wanted to see it, I really did, but I just didn't. I am happy my GreatiePa has gone up to be with his wife, if Heaven is where or what it is called then I wish them happiness there with they're son while they wait for us. I am sad that I can no longer speak or see him, but happy is my overall emotion. The Hubby has been extra amazing these past few days, I fear I have been quite irritable. Boy do I love him something fierce.

Coercive Insurance Reps

A few things strike me as annoying thus far, one major annoyance is the lack of communication between all parties. Such as the doctor staff calling for an authorization of something from the insurance company, and then the doctor staff calling me and telling me I need to call the insurance and initiate the authorization, then call them back and give them the go ahead to get the authorization. All on a Friday afternoon!! So, enter my phone call with the insurance company, one which I already did a few months back to let them know that I was seeing this particular doctor and confirm they are "in network". After about 17 minutes, I am told that they will process this information (basically just basic information about me, DOB, name, address) and another representative will call me Monday, Tuesday the latest and at that point I will be able to have my doctor obtain authorization. Now the authorization mind you is the fact that, these people actually require science to make a baby. See my frustration. How can I diagnose myself or my husband, what good am I do these people. What I don't understand is why I needed to be the one to call, and answer to a few questions, I don't know you'll have to ask the people at my doctors office. Enter Monday morning, another over 15 minute conversation with a nurse who the insurance company contracts out, who asks me all kinds of questions, basic, invasive, unknown. Toward the end of our conversation I had had enough of her tone, and information suggestions which I said I was not interested in hearing about that she felt would be good to let me know about regardless of how I felt. Such as how many embryos is your doctor planning on transferring - two I said. Because of my age she feels that no more is necessary and there is great chances of them sticking and my going full term. Her reply was why not one, have you considered one embryo, the rate of success with one is just as with two from studies. I said no, I did not and I am comfortable with two. She continued with I feel I should inform you about single embryo transfer so that you can perhaps mention to your doctor you're interested in just doing a single embryo transfer. I said no that is ok, thank you thou. -- fit of anger as I move the phone from my ear as she goes into her spiel -- when she finished I said with my polite annoyed voice, we are going with our doctors plan of action. TIME OUT!! Who did she think she was? She probably works off commission for some pharmaceutical agency the insurance company uses to coerce their insured to do a procedure that the insurance company wants instead of the doctor/patient. I took note of this after she went into how ICSI may not be the necessary. HELLO you dumb broad, I just told you my Hubby's men drown upon impact when left to their own devises!! You think ICSI isn't necessary, have you seen the medical information from all our testing - NOPE! So take a seat. The last bit she asked me was about my life style... immediately I knew where this was going. Talk about BMI and exercise and healthy snacking. Apparently my height/weight equals obese BMI or so her calculations said. She then started to question by healthy living and laughed when I said I have weighted the same since about freshman year and regardless of my physical activity it stays the same. Obese?! 5'7'' 180/185 pounds may be obese by her book but let me tell you I am pretty darn active and eat super healthy. She wants me to watch my snacking and drink more water. Suck on an egg, lady. I was so ready to go through the phone at that point and just bite her head off!! end RANT

Britax Frontier 85 Giveaway

I have to jump at the opportunity to enter this giveaway!! I was torn between the cow print and the pink sky print. The cow print is adorable but not my taste. I always check out things at stores and say one day I'll get one like this, or one day like this. Well the Princess has a Britax car seat, and it does her well as do a lot of people - made pretty evident by the review by Shining2Save I know so they much be excellent!

Time Out! Win a iPad2!!

Since about April 3rd 2010 (don't worry I don't stalk Apple) I've been wanting an iPad. Some call me an Apple hoarder, but I simply just love good products, and does it get any better than something made by Apple, no I don't think so. So I sure love the opportunity to win a free one via The Centsible Life!

Oh yeah, I posted this to enter a giveaway offered by CheckNGo at TheCentsibleLife & if you want to win an iPad2 you can enter to do so by clicking.

An Almost Beginning or Almost Ending...

One hour of going over every test we've gone through thus far, big words, fast speaking. A summary from a nurse and a lot of signatures later and I am confused. Of course. What else would be expected of me though. The briefest briefing about a giant thing, ever. Have you been there, done that?

I think this is the beginning, well almost the beginning, or maybe this is the almost ending? I have a packet to read, with has just about everything they have gone over with us in it. A few prescriptions to fill, and a package due to arrive in a week or so full of many many injections and such. Injections, UGH! So looking forward to that. I am confidant I have enough PMA for the both of us, I just hope that those which I am leaning on right now also have some PMA to throw my way incase I need it. You know, like the Hubby who I am relying on to be the strong like bull type at the moment while I question everything. It is normal however, or so the nurse said and a few people who I trust with my life.

Nerves, not about what is going to transpire in the next 6-8weeks or after but about this prolactin level which is elevated, and this talk of brain tumor which is not suspected but if I need an MRI to ease my mind will go forth with. BACK UP! Brain tumor? From an elevated hormone - huh! My mind is at ease, I am not overly concerned to the point I feel I need more testing. A doctor is medically professional and if the levels are not something to be alarmed about, I am not alarmed. I am a little uneasy about the medication I'll need to take to lower this level however. I hate medication, unknown chemicals being put into my body just creep me out (that is another post for another day).

Must. Not. Research. Anything.

Wannabe Chef Nonsense

I sure have never been known for my domestic abilities. I let the laundry pile up, the dust invite their friends over to hang, and cooking or better known as burning if you asked the Hubby. Not becasue I am lazy but I don't se the point is spending the majority of my free time doing chores. Laundry will be ther tomorrow, and probably with more to wash, and the dust, the second you whip it it's back so it can hang out for a week at a time. The cooking however is something I work at pretty hard. I love food. Food and I are BFFs, we do everything together. If we're going out, I know what I want and how I want it before we've even looked at a menu. Hubby knew what he was getting himself into long before I took his last name, so he wasn't expecting gormet meals. If I don't eat it, I don't really know how it should be cooked, pork for example - made it once, it came out like burnt toast

I wasn't kidding. But I love to eat, and I love it to be fresh and delicious so I do experiment often. I've made some monster burgers, I called this guy the heart attack, and I think I could hear Hubby's arteries clogging with every bite he took.

but it was super yummy... texas toast with melted cheddar, a think but well done cheese burger, a fried egg smothered with all the fixin's. Or my own version of blackened chicken burritos, like little burritos stuffed with heaven. These base larry's were so good I was doing take-out dishes for Baby Sister and her Hub as well as my Daddy.

So see, I can cook some things up, and I love to cook! I just don't always do that great of a job.

Yesterday thou, after a long day doing my civic duty I really just wanted to spend the rest of my time in the kitchen. So I did! I made salad for the week, full of everything yummy including the sprouts. Gave all the fruits and veggies for the week a bath. Had the iPod on shuffle and some cheese and crackers to munch on while I made a mess of the kitchen.

Got a chili going, loaded with celery just the way I like it for that extra crunch and some pepperoni for a little extra bite.

Then started frying up some eggplant for some eggplant parm.

Then since my strawberries looked so delicious and it was close to 7:30, I was getting hungry I smushed some up and had them with a little sugar and peanut butter on some cinnamon toast. YUMM!

Is it Thursday yet?

I really enjoyed today. Like absolutely loved every minute of it, and best of all the Hubby is home before 10 so some much needed snuggle time is so happening! I forgot to mention why, I spent every minute from 11am to 9pm with the most important little person in my life, Princess Belle. As well as one of my best friends and her amazing daughter, and my family -- not to mention the Bruins won.

But honestly, is it Thursday yet? I feel like I've spent the past four months waiting on calls from the doctor with instructions, I relate it to being a secret super spy; the phone rings, I get my next mission and I go. Blood, ultrasound, blood, ultrasound, blood, blood, blood, ultrasound, blood, HSG, blood... you get the idea. But Thursday is finally another face to face sit down with the doctor again, yeah I see her for a few of the tests but nothing that tells me more. I am dying to know what the next mission is. When do we get to the part I keep dropping my pixie dust covered pennies into that wishing well for...

Lost in-between Hubby & Wife...

When did I decide I wanted to be a mommy? And at what point did it begin to consume me? Last April I was told that I had a slight issue in conceiving since I wasn't ovulating and that with some meeds I would more than likely conceive naturally. So after peeing on sticks for the fun of it for three months prior to seeing the doctor I started peeing on sticks for the doctors orders of it. One cycle later, no lines just disappointment. So started my mind going into overdrive and I began researching what the doctor had handed me to read. Hello internet full of TMI - I have since given up on reading up on everything but I do read blogs because it helps to know we (oh yes I will get to the we) aren't alone. So I had a few blood tests, and a fancy test with some water, air and an ultrasound. By my surprise when I arrived that morning for the tests the ultrasound was internal, I was so not prepared for that but I rolled with it. All that came back peachy! So I left that morning, in tears. I called up my BFF and she calmed me down enough to drive without blurred vision. I've always been a strong girl, never full of emotions and I've always been one to want to please. My tests took about two cycles to complete then it was time to see if Hubby had any issues with his baby making machinery, so enter June of last year. I had to tell the Hubby that nothing was wrong with me as far as baby making goes, and that it was time to see if there was something wrong with him as far as baby making went. At this point I was just taken over by too many emotions. Hubby was strong, until I told him he had to go in for a semen analysis (SA). He was anything but a willing participant, is it a male macho thing, I don't know. But he made the appointment and the night before we were out with some friends, wether it be he had one beer too many (which I doubt) or he was just airing out our laundry, he told them he was going in for an SA and was going to "super soak a dixie cup". I died laughing, and the next morning as he went up to the appointment, I wished him luck super soaking the dixie cup and to be sure he washed his hands. I don't remember if it was the very next day or a few days after, I got a call from my obgyn and his voice told me that something was up. Hubby's SA was "grossly abnormal". Upon his uttering those words I began to feel hot and wanted to just ball, I kept it together for the 3 minute phone call and pulled into the closest parking lot and just lost it. I didn't know what to tell Hubby, how to tell him, I just didn't know. I called him at work and told him, he told me it would be ok and he would see me after work. About an hour later, I got a text saying I am coming home. He came home, and just grabbed me and we cried. At this point, I was ovulating and I had been told I have a text book perfect uterus, so he was beating himself up bad. He always feels like he is a failure if he isn't 100% at something. It has taken over a year, but I think that we have come to the decision that this is the plan for us, and that we were not delt cards that we couldn't handle. We are a stronger now then we were 600-something days ago but we are also lost, somewhere in-between Hubby and Wife and desperately wanting to be Daddy and Mommy.