When did I decide I wanted to be a mommy? And at what point did it begin to consume me? Last April I was told that I had a slight issue in conceiving since I wasn't ovulating and that with some meeds I would more than likely conceive naturally. So after peeing on sticks for the fun of it for three months prior to seeing the doctor I started peeing on sticks for the doctors orders of it. One cycle later, no lines just disappointment. So started my mind going into overdrive and I began researching what the doctor had handed me to read. Hello internet full of TMI - I have since given up on reading up on everything but I do read blogs because it helps to know we (oh yes I will get to the we) aren't alone. So I had a few blood tests, and a fancy test with some water, air and an ultrasound. By my surprise when I arrived that morning for the tests the ultrasound was internal, I was so not prepared for that but I rolled with it. All that came back peachy! So I left that morning, in tears. I called up my BFF and she calmed me down enough to drive without blurred vision. I've always been a strong girl, never full of emotions and I've always been one to want to please. My tests took about two cycles to complete then it was time to see if Hubby had any issues with his baby making machinery, so enter June of last year. I had to tell the Hubby that nothing was wrong with me as far as baby making goes, and that it was time to see if there was something wrong with him as far as baby making went. At this point I was just taken over by too many emotions. Hubby was strong, until I told him he had to go in for a semen analysis (SA). He was anything but a willing participant, is it a male macho thing, I don't know. But he made the appointment and the night before we were out with some friends, wether it be he had one beer too many (which I doubt) or he was just airing out our laundry, he told them he was going in for an SA and was going to "super soak a dixie cup". I died laughing, and the next morning as he went up to the appointment, I wished him luck super soaking the dixie cup and to be sure he washed his hands. I don't remember if it was the very next day or a few days after, I got a call from my obgyn and his voice told me that something was up. Hubby's SA was "grossly abnormal". Upon his uttering those words I began to feel hot and wanted to just ball, I kept it together for the 3 minute phone call and pulled into the closest parking lot and just lost it. I didn't know what to tell Hubby, how to tell him, I just didn't know. I called him at work and told him, he told me it would be ok and he would see me after work. About an hour later, I got a text saying I am coming home. He came home, and just grabbed me and we cried. At this point, I was ovulating and I had been told I have a text book perfect uterus, so he was beating himself up bad. He always feels like he is a failure if he isn't 100% at something. It has taken over a year, but I think that we have come to the decision that this is the plan for us, and that we were not delt cards that we couldn't handle. We are a stronger now then we were 600-something days ago but we are also lost, somewhere in-between Hubby and Wife and desperately wanting to be Daddy and Mommy.
