Waiting

Well the time has come to wait, been waiting alone a week so far with another one to come before we find anything out. We try to occupy our minds but we always say I wonder, I hope... bloated is all I have physically felt for a little more than a week. Jeesh! Between the retrieval of the eggs to the transfer of the embryos I've never been so bloated in my life time. Never!! I am finally starting to feel okay again. I was sleepy and bloated and bored - being on bed rest for two days - and now being restricted as to what I can do. I finally went to the grocery store today just for five items but boy it felt good to just walk around. Ha! Hubby has ben taking good car of me, laundry, cooking dinners, making sure I am not doing anything besides sitting, he even calls/texts to check on me while at work. I do love him so much, this entire experience while it did try our relationship it really has kept us strong.

I wish I had more to report but I do not.

The process itself is not scary but it is confusing, there are so many medications each with their own strict guidelines. each guideline has its own set of rules which apply on some days and on other are different. The doctors appointments, the invasive procedures, the unsureness, the lack of positive guarantees.... it is not scary but it sure is something that you need to be willing to accept or you will go into complete overload and probably just break down. So many questions. Prying into your every behavior, and then you begin to question yourself. For sure if you are TTC and you are getting into the beginning of the whole fertility treatments be ready, be open and don't over research yourself into a brain tizzy! Ask your doctor, and research your doctor for sure.

We went right into IVF with ICSI skipped all the other possible treatments as they would not have helped us given our circumstances and our doctors recommendations. I can tell you all out there in internet land questioning this, a year ago I was frightened knowing nothing about any of this, I feel seasoned. I feel blessed and hopeful.

Day Four/Mini Daycation Planned

So it is now day four of our in-cycle IVF treatments. Gonal-f each night and yesterday and tonight Menopur. Hubby has been amazing with these injections. I am such a needle wimp, so giving them to myself is just not possible. I compare it to trying to wax your own bikini, you put the wax on no problem, rub the fabric to cool the wax but when the time comes to rip the fabric off, you cannot do it! I would be there attempting to stab myself with the needle for an hour before I did it and I would probably fail. I will say that the Menopur burned going in, nothing too crazy but I did not expect to feel the liquid going in. Hormones are not going crazy! This is very exciting because I was afraid I would end up all psycho bitch. So don't have time or the patience to deal with that so I hope that none of the other medications we have lined up for this affect my hormones. I am back to being a in cushion, but this time I don't mind it. The nurses have not bruised me taking blood ((yet)). But this time it is like for something instead of just the prep work, so that makes me excited.

I feel like I am so alone sometimes with this but then I slap myself and know that I am not. Besides my amazing Hubby, my family and close friends there are so many other women and men going through fertility treatments to have the family they have always wanted. I am brought down from my for lack of a better term - pity party - when I see the waiting room filled with both men and women this past Saturday at my blood/ultrasound appointment. So many others are TTC, and they aren't alone.


So Hubby and I are due for a little fun-daycation! So we are planning on going into the City this Sunday ((Father's Day)) and being a little touristy. Duck boats, walking the public gardens and just enjoying all that the city has to offer on foot following up with dinner in the North End. I hope it is super romantic and amazing. We need it. I need it.

Oh My Goodness

Starting the IVF injections tomorrow evening!! I feel like today is the greatest day -- EVER . Just feel great overall and it is barely afternoon! What a journey we are taking, so thankful, so blessed. All you need is faith, trust & a little pixie dust!!

<3

Where Does the Time Go

I guess I will play catch up here. I don't know where my time has gone these past few weeks. I feel like the days are gone before I even know they have begun. I wake up with a mission, to try not to think about the when the IVF process is going to start. I go to bed with the same mission, try to sleep and not wonder all night. Jeesh! No wonder the time is going by so quickly. Well Saturday is supposed to be a day of information hunting so hopefully this time next week I will have something besides the waiting game to begin the process to wonder and obsess over.

Since my giant meltdown, things have been good. I've stopped the birth control pill that may have been the culprit but the June 4th appointment was bumped to June 11th, so I am still waiting. I have been loving my Zumba nights, I wish I had them more then twice a week but I don't. Zumba is such a refreshing, uplifting, self loving experience. I sure as heck don't look all that pretty trying to cha-cha or samba but I sure do feel amazing sweating my butt of trying to. I am looking foreword to tonights Zumba session. I may follow it up with a roast beef sandwich from the local roast beef joint, such a fatty dinner option at 9pm but the Hubby works so darn late on Thursdays I don't dare attempt to cook at that hour.

I am getting excited for some little mini day trips the Hubby and I are planning. I will post about them soon!

Lil' Ranting

I giant box arrived this morning full of more syringes then I have ever seen, needle tips, vials of this, pills of that... yikes!! This is really about to happen - we are going to start the IVF process. We, I, We, I... why do I feel so alone in most of this. Why doesn't he have to inject himself, and swallow 8-12 pills a day, and be cranky, moody, way too emotional for his own good.

June 4th is the next appointment - I don't know when we begin the injection process, soon.

Messing With the Hormones

Hormones... who invented them?  I'd really like to know. Especially the ones that are being all messed around with by some of the medications I've been taken for roughly a month.  A birth control pill, which  I have never taken before in my life and a pill to regulate prolactin levels.  I don't know if they are messing with me or if they are just elevating my emotions or what but I have done all but go skinny dipping in a pool of mud.  

I've been fed up with our living situation for almost a year.  In addition to being out of work on and off for a year there is just a bunch of things I'd love to change.  But the one thing I cannot get the Hubby to compromise on changing is our living situation.  And just recently I've lost my mind about it.  Just lost it.  Is it the hormones that have me acting like a raving lunatic about it or is it just that I have really literally reached my last wits about it.  After talking with my Aunt who I confide in quite often she immediately said it was the hormones before I ever thought it.  6-days into the two medications, Hubby and I had it out about our living situation, and basically haven't spoken too much since.  With the exception of blow outs.  So when I talk to the doctor next, I am asking her opinion because I can't have our relationship as a constant fighting mess, especially since we never fight, never ever!! 

June 4th is the blood/ultrasound appointment which should help give us a date to do the egg retrieval.  But we are still waiting on the arrival of the injections which we I need to begin on CD1.  I keep telling myself I have to be happy, stress free and love life because those things will help us in the long run.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming. 

Happiness in Loss

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets their wings. That is how the saying goes I do believe. As well as something about when one life leaves this Earth another is allowed to enter? I am not sure how much of any of that I do believe - nor how much the Hubby believes. Yet on this past Thursday I lost my GreatiePa and while we sat as mass yesterday for his funeral the Hubby saw a baby. His exact word were "babe look at the ultrasound up there in the second light". I was so confused and after his explanation I still did not see it, yet my Mother saw something and also pointed it out, so the two of them kept discussing the movements of this image in the smoke-like particles in the light. Was this a sign or sorts. or two extremely hopeful imaginations running wild? Why couldn't I allow my imagination to see it, am I shut off? I wanted to see it, I really did, but I just didn't. I am happy my GreatiePa has gone up to be with his wife, if Heaven is where or what it is called then I wish them happiness there with they're son while they wait for us. I am sad that I can no longer speak or see him, but happy is my overall emotion. The Hubby has been extra amazing these past few days, I fear I have been quite irritable. Boy do I love him something fierce.